Taking control of your Borderline Personality Disorder

In 2020 I came back to London from University for an appointment with a new psychiatrist after a very strange and unsettling six months. The day after this appointment the psychiatrist called me to say that upon reflection on our meeting she felt that I was at extreme risk to myself and waiting to go into hospital was not a good idea. I had an immediate crisis admission for a month. 

The year prior to my hospitalisation was eventful to say the least. In the early summer months my ex-boyfriend and I broke up and although this should have been an extremely devastating and difficult thing to process, my mind simply told me to forget about it. That relationship was over and I would not waste any more time on it. This type of thing is very common with people who suffer from mental health issues and is the classic notion of burying your feelings instead of dealing with them. The rest of the summer I was sailing on one of the biggest highs of my life. I was going on holiday left right and center, being social everyday and genuinely felt like all my problems had ended with the relationship. That however, was clearly not the case. When I returned to uni, the high didn’t completely go away, but was shared with massive lows, psychotic episodes, extreme self harm, an inability to form proper emotional attachments in relationships, extreme depressive episodes, obsessive exercise, using drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism, feeling dissociated the whole time and just generally being extremely volatile and unstable. It was a very scary time as I just had no idea what was really wrong with me. 

Anyway, I was hospitalised, diagnosed with BPD and told I would stay for a month. I took this stay in hospital as a break from life. It felt like a gift to be able to hide away in hospital with no need to see or talk to anyone, I enjoyed being shut off from the world and I felt safe there. I still had extreme emotions but they weren’t as bad. However, I didn’t take advantage of the group therapy, partly because I felt extremely uncomfortable sharing my thoughts, emotions and experiences, partly because I just wanted to be alone and partly because I was starting a new medication called quetiapine which acts as a sedative and my dosage was being increased every couple of days. I honestly don’t remember too much of this month so unfortunately I can’t describe things in detail for you.  

The idea of leaving the hospital, which had become an extremely safe and comforting environment for me, was terrifying. I didn’t want to go home and be exposed to everything that had triggered me. The moment I got in the car to leave I started hysterically crying. I self harmed the first night I got back. 

When I left the hospital the UK went straight into lockdown. I was thankful for this at the start as it meant I didn’t have to socialize, something which had really scared me. However, my ex got back in touch and pretty soon I started going out and partying, drinking to excess, doing drugs and spending all my time with people who were not safe or healthy for me to be around. I was in no way helping myself or my mental health and was in fact damaging myself more and more everyday. Although on the surface I was trying to convince myself that I was doing well and that being back in this relationship was a good thing, in reality, it was even more toxic than the first time around. I was pretty much suicidal the whole time, and much like my mindset in the year leading up to us breaking up for the first time, I considered suicide a comforting option if the relationship ended. Looking back, it breaks my heart that I put myself through the exact same thing and want to slap myself for not learning my lesson the first time around. 

The point I want to be making through all this, is that I did absolutely everything wrong upon coming out of hospital. I did not put my recovery first or even second. It definitely came last place. So it’s no surprise that nearly exactly a year later, I ended up right back in the same psychiatric hospital. However, since coming out of hospital in 2021, I think I pretty much did everything right, and that is the point of this post. I want to share all the things I did, what I learnt not to do, and how I made it to the place I am today. 

First I want to talk about who you let into your life and who you have to remove. The people you surround yourself with is one of the first things you need to think about and seriously consider. Previously, I had been surrounded by some really toxic people, who only cared about money, status, partying and living their lives at the expense of others. These are the type of people who will make you feel small and worthless in order to build themselves up. The way they present themselves to the world is not as kind and thoughtful people, but rather as those whose egos are at the forefront of their image. These are definitely not the type of people that anyone, let alone someone suffering from a severe mental illness, should be associated with. So, after leaving the hospital in 2021, I cut all ties with these people. It wasn’t that difficult as the 6 months prior to my hospitalization I had completely isolated myself and was not in contact with anyone. In a way, I’d already begun the separation process. The key thing was to not get back in touch when you are starting to feel better. Think about the qualities that you believe are most important in a person. This could be kindness, truthfulness, being supportive, being easy to talk to, being caring, funny or enjoying being in nature. Usually, these will be the qualities that you see most important as having yourself. Focus on finding people who you truly feel comfortable with and who you can be your honest and real self around. Not those who you feel you have to act a certain way in front of. Authenticity is one of the most important factors in any person. It can also be helpful to find people who are going through or have been through similar things to yourself. After leaving hospital, I started going to NA meetings and formed really close bonds with people who were just like me. It was probably one of the best things I could have done as I knew that I could ask anyone for help with anything I was struggling with and they would not only understand, but they would be able to help me and guide me in the right direction. 

Another thing I did was get back to doing the things alone that could truly make me happy. For me, this was drawing, spending time outdoors, spending time with animals, writing, going to the gym and self care. I made sure I did at least one of these things everyday. A couple of the major things with that people with BPD struggle with are, sense of self (knowing who you are) and self worth (believing you are worthy of anything) By trying to do things alone that at one time in your life did bring you joy, can help you to remember the person you truly are. I also found it helpful to film and take photos of myself and my surroundings in these moments so that I could look back on them when I was feeling bad and prove to myself that I don’t and won’t always feel like this. Taking care of your body is also vital when trying to take care of your mind. This means, eating healthy and not restricting or overeating (having suffered from anorexia for many many years, this was particularly important for me as it is very easy to transition back into using prior coping mechanisms), exercising regularly but not excessively, spending time outdoors and in the sunshine and more simple things like showering or having a bath, brushing your teeth, washing your face and doing skincare and having a regular sleep schedule. 

Journaling was and is another massively important thing for me. I don’t mean writing pages and pages that include every tiny detail of what you did that day, but rather writing how your day was in general, any mood changes from morning to afternoon to night, anything that triggered you, anything that made you really happy that day, things you are grateful for, things you are doing which you know are unhealthy, things you would like to do in the near or far future, how you are feeling towards particular people and any other general or random thoughts. I always find that organizing my thoughts and getting them out onto paper can really make me feel calmer and more in control of my own mind. I know that things are not going to be easy or smooth sailing all the time, but being self aware can really help you to feel less scared, worried or out of control. 

Having regular therapy should really be at the top of this list. Throughout the course of my life I have had 8 different therapists, all who specialized in different things. It is so important that your relationship with your therapist is one where you feel completely at ease and able to open up and talk about anything. Your therapist should know the deepest darkest parts of yourself as well as the happiest and most joyful. In order to help you they need to see the whole you. As well as writing, talking has been one of the most important parts of my recovery. When I enter a therapy session, I will usually talk continuously for an hour and then wish that I had another hour to continue. However, not every therapy session will be like this. Sometimes you will find it really difficult to share and your therapist will help you by asking questions. Sometimes you will be having a really good day and think you don’t need to go to therapy. Do not cancel your session! Having therapy when you feel good is just as important as when you feel bad. 

Of course there are a million other things I could write, and probably will in part 2, but for now, these are my top most important things to do on your road to gaining control over your borderline personality disorder.